


tell me something nice

by eggharbor



Series: got the same issues to work through [3]
Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Gangs, Angst with a Happy Ending, Betty Cooper & Toni Topaz Friendship, Bisexual Toni Topaz, Cheryl Blossom & Betty Cooper Friendship, Cheryl Blossom Deserves Better, Cheryl Blossom Needs a Hug, Cheryl Blossom-centric, Childhood Friends, Eating Disorders, F/F, F/M, Getting Together, Growing Up, Hurt Cheryl Blossom, Hurt Toni Topaz, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbian Cheryl Blossom, M/M, Mutual Pining, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Actually Unrequited Love, POV Cheryl Blossom, Sad Cheryl Blossom, Soft Cheryl Blossom, Soft Toni Topaz, Toni Topaz Needs a Hug, Toni Topaz is a Good Friend, cheryl is an angel, missing choni scenes in the main fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2020-07-17 23:08:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19964740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eggharbor/pseuds/eggharbor
Summary: See, the thing is, Cheryl knows what’s at stake. She can see it in Betty’s face every day. The hollowness of her emotions resonates deep down. If this goes sideways, which is more than likely, Betty could lose both her and Toni, and that’s not something her cousin can really afford right now.But God, she wants to be so selfish, just this once, because she is utterly in love and she doesn’t know how to snap out of it.(Or, Cheryl Blossom is in love with Toni Topaz and there’s nothing she can do about it.)





	1. a hundred thrown-out speeches i almost said

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: As in the main work in this series, Betty struggles with an ongoing eating disorder, and at one point, Cheryl attempts to help her hide it. While it won't be nearly as graphic/present as in the main work, it will still be discussed to some extent in this work. If you feel it may negatively affect you, do not read this story. Always practice caution <3
> 
> WHO NOMINATED THIS SERIES FOR FAVORITE SERIES IN THE BFFA I LOVE YOU YOU MADE MY LIFE
> 
> here by popular demand is another look into this universe! hope you guys enjoy <3 planning for another couple chapters so be on the look out!
> 
> Song for this work is "i wanna be your girlfriend" by girl in red. Song for this chapter is "The Archer" by Taylor Swift.

Cheryl meets Toni on the first day of kindergarten, and it’s love at first sight. At least, that’s what she tells Jason while they wait to be picked up.

Jason has always been the outgoing one out of the two of them, and starting school showcases their striking differences. Her social butterfly of a brother quickly befriends a circle of boys who spend their days playing catch at the park. And despite the fact that her cousin has always been quiet, Betty finds a fast friend in her neighbor, Archie, and is as polite as can be, so everyone pretty much adores her. Well, except Jughead Jones, but not many people care about his opinion, so it doesn’t really matter. What matters is the fact that Cheryl is basically alone. The first day of kindergarten, she ends up sniffling on a bench by herself, watching everyone else play on the playground.

“Wanna color?” She turns to face the prettiest girl she’s ever seen, tugging nervously on the end of one of her pigtails. “You look sad.”

“I’m not sad,” Cheryl pouts. The girl just shrugs.

“S’okay if you are. I am, too. Jug and Sweets and Fangs don’t wanna play today ‘cause I’m a girl.” She makes a face at that. “I’m gonna go color. You wanna come?”

Cheryl gives the girl another once over. “You’re pretty. Like a flower.” Cheryl’s always loved pretty things.

The girl stares at the ground, scuffing a spot with her shoe. “I think you’re pretty, too,” she mumbles.

In that moment, Cheryl makes a decision. This pretty girl is hers. She stands and grabs her hand. The girl blushes. “Wanna be best friends?”

The girl nods. “Okay! My name’s Toni.”

“My name’s Cheryl! Let’s go color,” she says, leaving no room for argument, and drags her new best friend back inside the school.

Jason tells her how sorry he is for leaving her alone later, but Cheryl doesn’t mind so much anymore. She tells him how she and Toni are going to get married one day because Toni is pretty and Cheryl loves pretty things and she’s keeping her. Jason laughs at her, but Cheryl doesn’t mind. She has Toni, after all.

Jason dies when they are fifteen. There’s a fire that burns away so much of her life, her history, her legacy, a fire that steals her brother from her too soon.

She doesn’t really register the days after. She remembers that Betty holds her hand _too tight too tight_ at the funeral.

In some ways, Cheryl is a fire, and all it takes is a little gas and the world goes up in flames. Cheryl is a blaze, and once her fuse is lit, there’s little left to do but run for cover. Cheryl is a bitter burning girl, caught in the smoking chokehold of Riverdale’s rampant small town scrutiny.

Cheryl is drowning. Cheryl is _terrified_.

Her family decides to stay with some distant, wealthy relatives in Montreal, and don’t even pause to consider taking Cheryl with them. Cheryl gets left with the Coopers.

“Let me know if you need anything, Cheryl,” Betty says so softly, the day after she buries her brother as she’s moving in to the guest room. “I’m here for you.”

“What I need, Season 5 Betty Draper,” she hisses, “is for you to get your fat ass out of my business.”

She slams the door behind her.

She’s had a bit of a bad day. During her usual bi-weekly call with her parents, she’d accidentally mentioned Toni’s name when referring to the group of people she’d be attending the next day’s semiformal with, and her mother had gone _ballistic_. Of course, that hadn’t deterred her from texting Toni immediately after, asking if she and Betty and Kevin could have a sleepover after the dance. The three of them have never asked why she organizes these gatherings. She doesn’t know what she’d tell them if they did.

She’s fixing her lipstick in the mirror when a familiar lilt calls out from behind her. “Hey there, Bombshell.” Cheryl feels a shiver go up her spine. _Okay Blossom, get your game face on._

“Cha-Cha,” she smirks, spinning on her heel to see… Oh, _shit_.

Cheryl is reminded, in moments like these, how very _not straight_ she is. She’d seen Toni that morning, when she’d stopped by her locker on the way to class to check on her. She’s always been able to handle the flirty banter at school because she was Cheryl Blossom, because she was the HBIC and acting any other way could be construed as a sign of weakness and the student body is _not allowed_ to see weakness from their queen. So despite the fact that being in Toni’s presence makes her heart beat a little faster, she ignores it, if only for the fact that she has to.

But tonight, alone in the girls’ bathroom, when Toni is wearing a strapless black satin dress, when her hair is in pink-streaked curls and her gaze is filled with nothing but warmth, Cheryl cannot contain her affection. Toni is ethereal, and _God_ , she could lead Cheryl straight to hell and she wouldn’t mind at all, not so long as she got to hold Toni’s hand on the way down.

Toni must notice that Cheryl stays more silent than usual, because she takes a couple hesitant steps forward. “Cherry? You okay over there?”

“F-fine!” She squeaks, flushing red because Cheryl doesn’t _squeak_. She’s a goddess, the queen of Riverdale high, the master of her own universe. So she takes a quick breath in to steady herself, and straightens up. “Ready to get back out there?”

Toni studies her for a moment. Then she nods, slowly. “Yeah. Let’s dance, babe.” She grabs Cheryl’s hand and pulls her back towards the gym. Cheryl prays that she can’t hear the telltale beating of her heart.

Betty starts spiraling at the end of sophomore year, and all Cheryl can do is watch. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that Betty’s hurting, and even if it did, her eyes are on Toni enough to notice when her gaze flits to Betty with her head down.

Cheryl’s never cared for Veronica and Archie like Betty. Frankly, she finds them boring, butshe’s starting to think that’s precisely why Betty loves them so. It’s strange, watching her without the two of them at her side. It’s not strange to see her hurting and see the two of them do nothing to ease her pain. And okay, so Cheryl and Betty aren’t exactly painting each other’s nails and exchanging gossip, either, but like it or not, Betty’s her family. Her parents seem to have lost the translation of the word, but she would have done anything for Jason. That has to apply to Betty in some capacity, right? So she makes the decision to stop by the Cooper house after practice and see what, if anything, she can do to get Toni to stop staring at Betty so sadly.

What can she say? She has multiple motivations.

“So, Betty Crocker, heard you cut ties with that wannabe Lodge and the brat next door. How’s that going for you?” Probably not the best opening line, but it gets the job done just fine. Betty’s expression changes in a split second, from a shiny plastic smile to plain and open grief, and all of a sudden she’s launching herself into Cheryl’s arms. “Whoa there.” It catches her off guard, but she holds Betty through the sobs, rubbing a hand up and down her back. She doesn’t know how long they sit there, in the quietness of Betty’s bedroom. Over Betty’s shoulder, she can see out the window to Archie’s room. His curtains are closed. Figures the _ass_ would be so immature.

She can tell that everything is still so fresh because Betty has yet to rid her room of the photos of the golden trio. There’s one framed on her nightstand that must’ve been taken last summer, when she and Veronica took a trip to New York City together. They’re on a bench in what looks like Central Park. Veronica has her legs in Betty’s lap, and is pressing a kiss to her cheek. Betty is light pink, head tossed back in laughter. Her next words come tumbling out before she can stop them. “Kevin says you were in love with Veronica, once.”

“Kevin says what now?” Her voice rises to a higher octave. Betty coughs. “Uh, what?”

Cheryl rolls her eyes. “Relax, cousin, I’m not out to out you. But, um, out of sheer curiosity… what was that like?”

There’s something that flickers in Betty’s expression, but it’s gone too quickly to put a name to it. “I promise, Cheryl, that one day, I’ll tell you everything. Just… not tonight?”

She can live with that. “I’ll accept it. Shove over, love.” They trade light gossip in the dying light of day, and eventually turn on a crappy rom-com that they really only half-watch. She spends the night at Betty’s.

It’s… dare she say it? Nice.

Toni comes out the summer before seventh grade, and on the first day of school, thirteen-year-old Cheryl can’t stop staring at her. She parades around with an aura of confidence that rivals her own facade, and whenever she catches Cheryl mooning over her, she blows her a cheesy, over-the-top kiss, followed by a large wink. Cheryl’s face is a permanent shade of red.

She strolls into her last period English class with Tina and Ginger, shaking off any remnants of the jitters she’s been experiencing since this morning, only to find…

“Saved you a seat, Cherry!” Toni gives her a little wave. Tina grabs her arm.

“Do you want me to sit with her instead, Cher?” _Weak_. That’s how Tina sees her. She squares her shoulders, and raises her chin in defiance.

“I can handle the harlot,” she says, voice edged in steel. Toni wilts a bit. It hurts, but it has to be this way.

Toni doesn’t speak to her for the rest of the period, not even when Cheryl, in an effort to salvage whatever this thing between them is, draws three tiny hearts on the corner of the other girl’s notebook. But she draws a small rose on an open page of Cheryl’s copy of _To Kill A Mockingbird_ , and Cheryl takes it as a sign.

She invites Betty to her 4th of July party and fails to invite Veronica and Archie as her own kind of revenge on them for excluding Betty at Veronica’s end of the year extravaganza. But Betty need not know the unsavory details. She’d hate for her cousin to fix her with a judgmental stare when she’s trying so hard to be good.

She’s also invited Toni, but that was done for other reasons. Reasons that make Cheryl’s stomach twist in knots.

Betty arrives late, twisting her hands and trying to make herself as small as possible. That won’t do. Cheryl pulls Betty into a tight hug. “Lemme know if you want anything to drink, Invisible Woman! I’ll fix you up.”It doesn’t do much to ease Betty’s nerves, but coddling her won’t help her branch out and make friends. Besides, she sees her talking to Toni’s friends, Sweet Pea and Fangs, and she trusts them enough to know Betty’s in safe hands. Cheryl decides to make a couple rounds before finding her again. And if the first round entails finding Toni, well… Toni’s her friend. It’s the duty of the hostess to ensure her friends to enjoy the party, right?

She finds her in the kitchen, fixing herself a drink. “Ragamuffin.” Cheryl throws her arms over Toni, pulling her to her chest. Toni grabs her hands where they’re clasped over her chest.

“You’re awfully touchy tonight,” Toni teases, leaning back. Cheryl bites back a small smirk.

“Only with you,” she half-sings. Her pulse is thrumming.

Toni sighs. “Tipsy, too.” She sounds sad. Cheryl frowns. She doesn’t like it when Toni’s sad.

“Wanna dance?” She changes the subject. Toni’s a phenomenal dancer. One of these days, she’ll convince her to join the Vixens. She knows she wants to. Why else would she come to all of the practices? And Toni would look so great in uniform… She shakes the thought off. _Not the time._

Toni still looks vaguely down, but she laughs and intertwines their hands. “You have guests to greet.”

“I am greeting them,” she harrumphs. “You’re my guest. I’m just making sure you’re comfortable.”

“More than comfortable, babe. Go say hi, I’m not going anywhere.” Cheryl wants to go somewhere with her. Somewhere far from Riverdale, where they can both be free from any sort of expectation. But she’s Cheryl Blossom, Riverdale’s very own red queen. And Toni Topaz is Riverdale’s rebel queen. And two twin fires mixing can only end catastrophically. She has to swallow this feeling down before it burns them down to their foundations.

She nods, and gives Toni a tiny wave before she makes her rounds. One day, maybe. But not now.

She sees Toni briefly at the end of the night, when Sweet Pea comes to find them, looking panicked and fearful. “It’s Betty. She’s… I don’t know what to do.”

He drags the two girls over to a couch, where Fangs is begging a giggling Betty to drink some water. Betty is beyond out of it. Cheryl’s heart hurts for her. “Help her into a guest room,” Cheryl demands. “She’s sloppy drunk. She can stay here tonight.”

The boys follow her instructions without question. _God_ , she has a headache.

“I’m gonna head out, Cherry,” Toni tells her. Cheryl grabs her wrist as she’s turning away.

“Could you maybe come over tomorrow?” Toni’s eyes are wide. _Was that too much?_ “I just don’t want Betty to feel too boxed in when she wakes up. We can have a movie marathon.”

The awe falls from Toni’s face. “Right.” She crosses her arms over her chest. “I’ll see if I can make it. I’ll bring Kevin, too. Like old times.”

“Right.” She says. This isn’t what she wants. But Betty needs support, so she’ll deal. It’s for the best.

Cheryl spends the better part of July 5th reconfiguring positions for the Vixens’ lineup in her mind. It’s better for everyone if Veronica and Betty interact as little as possible. Toni spends the better part of the night on the other side of the couch, Betty and Kevin between the two of them, eyes on the screen. Cheryl’s heart feels hollow.

_It’s for the best._


	2. honey, i tried

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cheryl loves Toni, and she loves Betty, and she is so thoroughly, utterly terrified.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> got a second long long fic planned for this series touching on senior year so be on the lookout!
> 
> song is "milk and honey" by billie marten.

Cheryl’s favorite part of her day is the ride to school, when Reggie rolls up the driveway, Kevin and Toni already in tow. She loves the drive to Betty’s because she and Toni spend it talking about anything and everything. Their favorite songs. The homework last night. Their thoughts on reincarnation. It never fails to put her in a good mood.

She walks down the driveway one morning, but Reggie isn’t there. Instead, it’s just Toni and her bike.

“Reggie’s got morning practice,” she explains. “I offered to take you to school.” Cheryl’s touched Toni _offered_ , that she _wanted_ to pick her up, volunteered to come and get her. She can’t wipe the smile off her face, especially not after she gets to wrap her arms around Toni the entire drive to schooled, pressed snugly to her chest.

She’s so gone for this girl.

Cheryl works her Vixens like dogs. Practices are long and intense and Betty has never had this much of a problem keeping up before. She’s still barking out directions, as per usual, but she’s got one eye trained on her cousin, who looks like she’s about to hurl.

“Alright! That was below average, ladies, and I need spectacular.” She narrows her eyes. “I want all of you running drills tonight until you can do them in your sleep. And then do them in your sleep.” She sighs, and waves them away. “Go, shoo, get changed.”

Sh watches Betty closely as she stumbles in the direction of the locker room. Toni meets her eyes from where she’s perched on the bleachers. She mouths something to her — it looks like ‘I’ll get Jughead,’ or, alternatively, ‘Let’s get this bread’ — but considering Toni isn’t an annoying prepubescent freshman, she’s assuming it’s the former. She runs off and out of the gym, and Cheryl watches her go. 

They find her collapsed, draped across one of the benches in the locker room. She looks exhausted, and Cheryl’s actually starting to get concerned.

“Please try to rest before tomorrow night. You had better not ruin our routine with any sloppiness, Betty.” Toni swats her arm, and Jughead glares at her, but Betty, who understands the meaning behind what’s been said, smiles softly and nods.

She watches Jughead escort Betty out of the locker room. Toni turns to her. “I’m really worried about her.”

Cheryl sighs. “As always, TT, you’ve read my mind. Something is not right in Betty’s milquetoast little existence.”

“Do you think we should step in?” She asks, biting her lip, and Cheryl has to force herself not to stare. Not the time.

“Not yet,” she finds herself saying. “I’ll talk to her first.” Toni nods, but she still looks sad. Cheryl reaches out and squeezes her hand. Toni jumps, at first, and she tries to pull away, but then Toni’s lacing their fingers together and smiling.

“Wanna show me your moves? You did say you needed practice,” Toni winks. If it were anyone else, Cheryl would scoff at the notion that it was her who needed practice, but this is Toni, and Cheryl feels like melting to the floor.

“Anything for my biggest fan,” she says instead, smirking. Toni laughs, and Cheryl is so, so in love with her.

She follows Betty to the bathroom at Pop’s when she rushes off, and finds her hunched over the toilet bowl, gagging. She’s a mess, which is so unlike the perfect ideal girl her cousin has always strived to be. It’s painful to see her like this, tugs at Cheryl’s heart. She gently places her hand on Betty’s shoulder, trying not to spook her, but Betty still jumps, eyes wide in a panic.

“Relax, you ghoul. It’s just me,” she says, though the words are sticky in her throat. Betty laughs darkly, and something twists in Cheryl’s stomach. Something is very, very wrong. “Toni sent me. She’s making sure the hobo butts out of your business.” Betty looks so relieved, which is understandable, considering the ups and downs she and the Jones boy have faced in the past few weeks. She strokes Betty’s shoulder with her thumb in the hopes of providing at least a little comfort. “So explain to me your major malfunction before we catch one of the various diseases lurking in this cesspool of a public restroom.”

“Veronica and Archie-” Betty starts, and Cheryl has to resist the urge to groan. Those assholes again. But she knows there’s something else, because she’s been down this road herself, and she’s not letting Betty go through this alone.

“Old gossip, not impressed,” she interjects. “The puking, that’s new. Care to share, cousin dearest?” And Betty’s biting her lip and turning her gaze to the tile floor and no, no, _no_ …

“I’m just sick.” Bullshit.

“Oh Betty, of course I believe you!” She mocks, calling her out. “I truly am that stupid!”

“You don’t have to be so dramatic about it,” Betty mumbles.

Cheryl crosses her arms. “You don’t have to lie, and yet, here we are.”

Betty looks so, so small. Cheryl has never felt taller than Betty in her life, but looking at her now… she’s afraid if she stops looking at her, if she even blinks, Betty is going to disappear forever. “It’s not- I’m not-”

“Starving yourself?” Cheryl can’t help her outburst. She’s borderline hysterical, at this point. No, no, _no_ …

“No. I mean, yes, but-” Betty rubs at her eyes, frustrated. “It’s- it’s not an eating disorder. I’m not anorexic.”

“So you’re just not eating because… why? Just because?” Her voice is climbing in pitch. Betty winces.

“Actually…”

“Please tell me you don’t actually expect me to buy that,” Cheryl snarls. Her cousin cowers against the stall.

“It’s a form of control,” she pleads. “I just… Last year was rough on me, you know? And other people, you can’t rely on them. You can’t trust people or their reactions and I-”

“So you’re telling me your response was to stop eating?” Cheryl cuts her off. Betty fidgets, clearly uncomfortable.

“It’s complicated, Cheryl,” she sighs. “I just… I need a favor, okay? I need you to not tell anyone about this.”

Like that’s ever going to happen. “Betty, this is dangerous. Don’t you remember how I used to be?” She has to remember. They shared a home, for fuck’s sake.

“It’s not like that, though. I don’t- I don’t think I’m fat, Cher. I’ve got the whole situation under control, and I could stop anytime I wanted.” It’s a fucking lie, and she so, so badly wants to tear into Betty for thinking she could ever be okay with this, but she knows that if she pushes, if she yells, if she breaks Betty’s fragile trust in her, that she’s going to internalize this and keep secrets and there will be nothing she can do. So she lies, too.

“And you’ll tell me if it gets too much? If you need help? You’ll keep me posted on how you feel?” Betty nods, and Cheryl sighs in relief. It’s not a solution, but it’s bought her Betty’s trust, and some time to figure out how to best help.

“I’ll keep your secret, Nancy Drew. For now.” Betty sinks down against the door.

For now, it’ll have to be enough.

“Cheryl, truth or dare?”

Cheryl knows Kevin, knows exactly what he’s capable of. Knows what she’s in for if she says, “Dare.”

Kevin grins, wickedness laced in the expression.

“So, Cheryl,” he coyly drawls, and Cheryl catches Betty’s wince from the corner of her eye. “I dare you to kiss Toni.”

Cheryl feels herself go white. “What now?”

“I dare you, Cheryl Blossom,” Kevin repeats slowly, smiling, “to kiss our lovely friend, Miss Toni Topaz.”

Always aware of her, Cheryl watches Toni’s shoulders fall, watches her close up faster than she can say, “Kev, drop it.”

Cheryl shuts her eyes, bites back tears because _Blossom girls don’t cry. Not ever._ “I have something to say because I owe you guys the truth,” she says quickly, biting down on her tongue after she gets the words out.

“Cherry, you don’t owe us anything, babe.” Toni’s voice is softer than it has any right in being, not when… Not when…

“I’m a lesbian,” she says, barely audible. It’s the first time she’s said it out loud, and she feels an indescribable weight roll off her shoulders, like the fear she’d been holding in her heart had burst into flames, had burned until it was little more than ash. She opens her eyes and feels nothing but the warmth remain.

Toni grabs her hand, squeezes, brings her back to them. “Oh, baby… We know.” She knows her jaw is hanging when Kevin laughs, when Betty shoves him and Toni rubs a thumb soothingly over her knuckles.

“Cheryl, you’re not exactly subtle. And besides, I’m gay, and Toni and Betty are bi. Our collective gaydars were powerful enough to deduce your sexuality long ago.” Kevin nudges her playfully, but there’s a depth in his eyes, a hidden agenda of normalization to his joke. She’s grateful for it.

“We knew as soon as you nicknamed us the Gay Avengers, bombshell,” Toni adds.

She can’t help asking. “Then why didn’t you say anything?”

“We wanted you to choose when you told us,” Betty tells her. _God_ , she loves her cousin with everything she is. Betty is the kindest person she knows. “We wanted it to be the right time for you. Nothing we could’ve said would’ve made you accept yourself.”

“You have to love yourself first,” Toni says, “before you’re receptive to all the love that’s out there for you.”

Betty and Toni open their arms simultaneously, and suddenly Cheryl is diving, and the four of them are a mess of tangled limbs and teary eyes. This is a different kind of fire, not one born of terror and hate and darkness, but one of love and kindness, one that keeps her warm inside. These are the people she cannot live without.

She lets herself be held in Toni’s arms, curled up on the couch until well into the next morning. Even if it’s just for one night.

“So…” Toni asks as she shimmies under the covers of Cheryl’s bed. “What do you want to do?”

“‘Love, Simon’ again?” Cheryl’s ready to open her laptop, but Toni turns to her with a sparkle in her eyes that makes her pause.

“I have a better idea.”

Cheryl bites her lip, smile shining through. “Listening…”

“You should teach me something in French.”

“Oh?”

Toni flushes. “You make the language sound so beautiful. And I’ve tried to learn a couple phrases, but it’d be so great to learn from someone who actually speaks it.”

“Well, I can’t deny it,” Cheryl preens, “and I’m such a great teacher.”

Toni laughs. Cheryl watches her in awe. “Modest, too.”

She shakes it off. “Anything specific you want to learn?”

“Surprise me,” Toni tells her.

_Surprise her. Does that mean…?_

Cheryl has loved Toni since they were five years old. She loves how excited Toni gets when she talks about a book she’s read recently. She loves how Toni will find any excuse to order a chocolate milkshake. She loves that Toni takes pictures of everything because “everything has beauty,” but she takes more pictures of Cheryl because “you have the most beauty.” She loves that Toni has her coffee order memorized. She loves that Toni is always there for her, that she’s always available if Cheryl ever needs to vent, that she knows what Cheryl’s thinking sometimes before even Cheryl herself knows. She loves Toni, loves all of her, loves every part of her with everything she is. Toni wants Cheryl to surprise her, but what she says isn’t a surprise to anyone.

“Je ne peux pas vivre sans toi.”

“What does that mean?” Cheryl swallows hard. Toni grabs her hand. “Cheryl?”

“I can’t live without you.”

She shuts her eyes. Toni rubs her arm. “Cheryl… Hey. Can you look at me?” It takes a moment, and she’s still hesitant, but when she meets Toni’s gaze, there is nothing there but _warmth_. “I can’t live without you either.”

“Toni,” she whispers. Toni smiles.

“Can I kiss you?”

Cheryl makes a noise. “Please,” she says desperately, and it’s…

Perfect. Of course it is, it’s _Toni._ She melts into it, pushes forward, loses herself in feeling.

But it’s over all too soon.

“Cheryl!”

She falls backwards. Her mother. _She’s home._ “Mommy!” She turns and catches her mother’s eye, and Penelope is _seething_. Cheryl is fire, but her mother is ice, cold fury dropping the temperature in the room by about ten degrees. Cheryl shivers, an involuntary action. Her mother storms into the room like a blizzard, rips her away from Toni. Her leg hits the floor at an awkward angle and she hisses in pain.

“You _deviants_. Filthy, dirty girls.” Cheryl feels the tears well up before she can stop them.

“Stop…”

Penelope jabs a finger towards Toni. “I knew you were nothing good. And you…” She lets go of Cheryl, and she lands in a heap on the carpet. “You disgust me.” She holds her gaze with Cheryl. There is no love there. Just cold, empty disappointment. With that, her mother makes her dramatic exit.

“No, wait!” Cheryl cries, struggling to stand.

There’s a hand on her arm. “Cheryl?”

_Filthy, dirty deviants. Nothing good. You disgust me. Loveless monster._

“Get out.”

Toni blinks. “No, Cheryl…”

Cheryl roughly yanks herself away from Toni’s touch. She starts to shake. “Get out! Get the fuck out of my house, you nightmare!”

“You don’t mean that,” Toni whispers. Cheryl rubs her eyes, makeup smearing everywhere. _No tears, Blossom girls don’t cry, God, can’t you do anything right—_

“Don’t you get it?” She laughs, harsh and hollow and manic. She finally meets Toni’s eyes, full of none of the hate her mother’s held but all of the missing love, and it’s _too much_. So she lies, like always. Because she isn’t worthy of it, any of it. “I hate you!”

It rings out, echoing in the room. Toni steps back. “What?”

She listens to her first instinct, drilled in by every stinging disappointment she’s faced. Make it _hurt_. “Just get out and don’t ever come back!” She screams. “I never want to see you again!” And then she turns, and hunches over, and she lets the tears come flooding because she _isn’t strong enough._

When she turns around, Toni is gone.


	3. can you love me most?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Does she really deserve to be loved?
> 
> Her friends seem to think so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for this chapter is "Someone to Stay."

Cheryl wakes up to an elbow in the gut, and hisses in pain.

“Guys.” She blinks awake and finds herself wrapped around her cousin, Toni slowly stirring on her other side. Betty appears uncomfortable, and though it takes a second, slowly the events of last night come flooding back to her.

“Betty!” Betty scrunches her nose and squirms some more, and Cheryl swallows down a petty comment in favor of shifting over to get a closer look at her.

Toni’s very much awake now, and pulls Betty closer as if to reassure herself that the blonde isn’t going anywhere. “Oh my God, you’re alive!”

Betty snorts. “Was that really a question the two of you had?”

Cheryl’s gut twinges with worry. “Yes,” she affirms. Ever so slightly, Betty’s face falls. She scoots towards the edge of the bed to get up, but before Cheryl can chastise her, Toni beats her to it.

“Oh no, you don’t! Let me call Jug, I’ll have him bring breakfast over. Blueberry bagel, right, B?” Betty looks particularly green at the mention of breakfast, but nods after Cheryl sends her a quick glare. Toni practically bounces out the door.

Cheryl stares after her, fond. “Cherry vanilla for me, TT!” She calls.

“And an almond milk latte. I know, bombshell.” Betty gives her a look, and Cheryl feels her face start to burn.

“Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“You were thinking it.” There’s a beat of silence, and Cheryl recalls exactly why she’d insisted they all stay the night. She nearly shudders at the memory of how small Betty had looked hunched over in that bathroom stall. “So, you have a handle on it, hmm?”

Betty twists her hands together, going pale. “Look, there was a lot going on—” Cheryl stops her.

“You know I don’t approve of your coping mechanism.”

“I know.”

“But I know that you’re smart, Betty,” she says, watching the way Betty’s eyes water at her words. “And I’m going to count on that big brain of yours to realize that this is a problem. But if this happens again, I’m going to have to get you help. You know that, right?”

“I know,” she whispers, voice hoarse. Before she can think better of it, she reaches for Betty’s hand, interlacing their fingers, and squeezes. Betty smiles, squeezing back.

Betty’s a wreck. It’s obvious to anyone who looks at her for more than a few seconds that she’s far from fine. She’d been like this, once. She owes it to her too-good-for-this-world cousin to save her from herself.

Cheryl just hopes Betty will let her catch her when she falls.

She doesn’t say anything to Reggie or Kevin the next morning, but she’s got a terrible feeling they know what the matter is anyway. She curls up in a ball, resting her head against the window as they drive towards Betty’s house.

_Filthy, dirty deviants. Nothing good. You disgust me. Loveless monster._

A burst of irritation claws up at her chest when Betty stumbles out of her house around ten minutes late.

“Get in the car, Betty,” she snaps. “ You’re late. Some of us have places to be.”

She feels the silent disapproval from her friends in the front of the car, only serving to deepen her scowl. Yeah, she’s a bitch, they already know that. Why pretend to be something she’s not?

Because Cheryl’s not a good person. She’s not nice like Betty and Ethel, and she’s not loyal like Reggie and Kevin, and she’s not brave like Toni. She’s Cheryl, and she’s blunt and rude with a mean streak miles wide, the first to rip out your heart and grind it into the ground. She’s not good for them, and her friends don’t need her. Toni doesn’t need her.

It’s time they realize that.

Betty diverts her gaze, sliding in next to her. “Sorry, Cheryl,” she rasps, “it won’t happen again.”

A wave of guilt hits her full-force. _Fuck_ , this is Betty. Betty, the girl she’d sworn to protect at all costs, and yet she’s the one making her feel shitty when her cousin’s already got enough to deal with.

As if Betty can sense her spiraling thoughts, a hand finds hers and grips it tight. Cheryl glances over at her, but Betty’s eyes are shut, half her face pressed into the glass.

She squeezes Betty’s hand in thanks. Eyes still closed, Betty smiles in acknowledgment.

Cheryl’s sweet sixteen is her first birthday without her brother, which makes it the worst by default. So when Betty knocks on the door of the guest room to let her know breakfast is waiting downstairs, she gets up, makes sure the door is locked, and stomps back towards the bed, burying herself under the covers. She’s spending today alone, and no one can stop her.

She feels a prodding at her side and groans. Right, this is Betty Cooper, stubbornest person alive. How silly of her to have forgotten that.

“Leave me alone,” she says. Or, well, tries to say, since she’s still face first in a tangle of blankets, so it sounds more like, “Mrphf.”

“Cheryl,” Betty murmurs. She huffs when she feels her cousin sink down into the mattress. “You need to eat, okay?”

She feels a twist of rage, and sits up. “Y’know, Betty,” she sneers, “I don’t think this bed can handle this much weight. Ever thought of maybe skipping the muffins and going straight on that morning run?”

Betty doesn’t flinch, just blinks back at her, eerily calm. “I know you’re hurting, Cheryl.”

“You don’t know _what_ I’m feeling,” she retorts, crossing her arms over her chest tightly. Betty sighs.

“Just… come downstairs with me, okay? And if you still want to spend the day locked up here after that, I won’t stop you.” She extends a hand out, and Cheryl eyes her warily.

“If it’ll get you off my back.” She shoves the blankets away, and shuffles out of bed, allowing herself to be pulled towards the staircase. She hears laughter, and frowns questioningly at Betty, who just smiles. Halfway down, Cheryl stops, taking in the scene before her.

There’s a selection of bagels spread out on a plate on the dining room table, and a takeaway latte with her name scrawled across the side in bold red Sharpie. There are a couple boxes, too, with immaculate wrapping jobs that could only be the work of the girl beside her. Aunt Alice and Polly don’t seem to be around. Instead, Toni and Kevin sit at the table, cracking jokes and debating the different flavors of cream cheese Betty’s laid out. They don’t seem to have noticed her yet.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d want a big party this year,” Betty explains behind her. She turns her head and sees her cousin’s fidgeting, hands balled up in fists at her sides. “It’s just us. Mom and Polly went to Greendale for the day. We can invite more people if you want, or just chill out and watch movies.” She shrugs, refusing to meet Cheryl’s eyes. “I hope it’s okay.”

“Betty,” she chokes, voice suspiciously wet, “you did this for me?”

“Well, yeah,” Betty says, like it goes without saying, “of course.”

“But…” She forces herself to take a breath, wiping furiously at her eyes. “But why?”

Two hands grab her shoulders, turning her around to face Betty, who smiles at her kindly. “Because I love you, Cheryl,” she tells her, like it’s obvious, like it’s a fact, like it’s indisputable, and _oh God_ —

She bursts into ugly sobs right there on the staircase, rushing into to Betty’s arms, almost sending both of them tumbling down to the floor below. Toni and Kevin scramble out of their chairs to join them. After a while, when she’s finally calmed a bit, they make their way into the dining room. Her latte’s cold, at this point, but it’s still the best one she’s had in a while. The other three don’t force her to talk about it. They watch bad movies and sing karaoke and for the first time since the fire, it doesn’t hurt to smile.

“Thank you,” she tells Betty after midnight, when Toni and Kevin are snoring on the couch to the credits of _The Princess Bride._ Betty shakes her head, eyes twinkling in the light from the TV screen.

“You don’t have to thank me, Cher,” she says. It’s that moment Cheryl starts to wonder if maybe her mother was wrong.

Maybe she is loved, after all.

She’s taken aback when a throw pillow lands beside her. “Up.”

“No,” she whines, burrowing further into her cocoon. “Leave me to die here.”

She hears Josie snort as another throw pillow narrowly misses her head. “Bombshell, you know I love you, but you brought this on yourself.”

“You think I don’t know that?” She sits up, running a hand through her hair. “I fucked up, J. She hates me.”

Josie, perched on the end of her bed, looks unimpressed. “If she hates you so much, why is she staining the Coopers’ couch with her mascara?”

“She’s crying?” She rubs a hand over her face. “Of course she’s crying, I was awful to her.”

“So woman up and fix it.” Josie quirks a brow. “She deserves an explanation, at least.”

She sighs, sinking down against the headboard. “What she deserves is better. Better than anything I could offer.” This time, the pillow does manage to hit her in the face, and she falls backwards.

“Fuck that!” Josie cries. “You’re Cheryl Bombshell, boss ass bitch. You _are_ better, and you’re not this person, Blossom. You’re not the kind of girl who goes down after just one swing.”

“Yeah, well!” She throws her hands up. “Let’s recount just what kind of girl I am, Josephine. I’m the girl whose brother had to suggest a joint birthday party because no one wanted to come to mine. I’m the girl who mocked Betty at cheer tryouts just because I was having a bad body image day. The girl who made fun of Toni after she came out because I couldn’t handle my own internalized homophobia!” She pauses to inhale shakily. “I am the girl who has done nothing but make people miserable all her life, and the only person who has ever loved that girl died in a fire when I was fifteen years old.” She trembles, wrapping her arms around herself tightly, letting her words hang in the air between the two of them.

Josie eyes her for a minute. “Fuck you, Cheryl.” She stands up, grabbing one of the pillows she’d tossed earlier.

Cheryl gapes at her. “Josie, what—” She’s cut off when Josie brings it down on her head.

“Fuck! You! Blossom!” She punctuates each word with another hit before setting it aside, setting her hands on Cheryl’s shoulders. “Fuck you for saying no one but Jason loves you. That is a goddamn lie and I know it, and do you know how?” And then she hauls Cheryl into her arms for a bone-crushing hug, one that leaves Cheryl gasping for air. “Because I love you, you ginger nightmare. Because Val and Mel love you, and Tina and Ginger love you, and Kevin loves you, and Reggie, and Ethel, and Betty Cooper especially.” If she wasn’t crying before, she certainly is now.

“J—”

“I’m not finished, girl,” Josie says, pulling away just for a second to brush away Cheryl’s tears with her sleeve. “God knows you got dealt a rough hand. We know it, too. And yeah, you can be a bitch.” Cheryl laughs hollowly, and Josie grins at her. “But you’re _our_ bitch. You’re the first one defending Kevin when someone tries to come after him. You’re in the front row of all our shows, and you’re always the loudest one in that crowd. You run a tight ship with the Vixens, and that team’s never looked so good. Whatever the fuck’s going on with Betty right now, you’ve been by her side the whole time. And Toni… Toni sees that.” Cheryl bites her lip, and Josie lowers her voice, ending her big speech with a quiet, “You’re a good person, Cheryl, and you deserve to be loved.”

That breaks her. Josie rubs her back as the sobs rack her body, even when she’s crying so hard that no sounds comes out.

_You deserve to be loved._

Could it really be true?

“Hey.”

She feels the bleachers shake slightly as Toni takes a seat beside her. She doesn’t look at her, eyes fixed on the disastrous interaction taking place between Veronica Lodge and Reggie Mantle on the dance floor. She doesn’t need to, anyway. Toni always looks beautiful.

There’s a silence that stretches between them, filled by the background of crappy pop songs and their off-key peers. Toni speaks first.

“Don’t you want to dance?”

She shrugs. She looks for Jason out of habit, and sees him flirting with some girl by the snack table. “No one would ask me anyway.”

“Why?” Toni scoffs, and Cheryl bites back a snicker at how protective she sounds.

“Easy, TT,” she teases. “It’s not their fault. I think I scare them.” She looks at Toni, then, and her breath catches in her throat. She wasn’t wrong. Toni is _breathtaking_.

“You don’t scare me,” Toni murmurs, leaning closer.

“You might be the only one,” she whispers back. Toni smiles at her, reaching out to tuck a stray curl behind her ear.

“Maybe we were made for each other.” For a moment, she lets herself believe it.

The moment ends when Sweet Pea and Fangs come bounding up to them in excitement, rambling about some kind of showdown between Betty and Jughead. Toni seems disgruntled at the interruption, but Cheryl’s still playing her words back on repeat.

_Maybe we were made for each other._

The door clicks shut behind them, and Cheryl struggles to keep her breathing even. The confidence she’d had when she’d marched into the Cooper house is rapidly fading. Toni scuffs at the carpet with her shoe, not meeting her eyes. Cheryl brings her hand up to her mouth, biting her nails. “So.”

Toni nods, scratching at her arm. “So.”

She steels herself. “Toni, I—”

Toni cuts her off. “Cheryl, it’s… it’s fine, okay?”

She frowns, reaching out, and feels a pang of guilt when Toni shies away. She lets her hands fall limp at her sides. “No, it isn’t.”

“You didn’t mean it, did you?”

Her heart just about shatters right then. “Of course not.”

“Then it’s fine,” Toni smiles in a very not-fine way, eyes still trained downwards. “We’re good, Cher.”

And she could let it go. Nod and agree, walk back downstairs, take the coward’s way out. Toni’s giving her a pass, and she can take it, resign herself to spending her days staring at the back of Toni’s head in class as they drift further and further apart as the divide she’s created between them grows bigger and bigger, until they never speak again.

“No.”

Toni finally picks her gaze up off the floor, hesitantly meeting her eyes. “Cheryl?”

Cheryl tightens her hands into fists, and wills herself to keep going. “We’re not good. I should’ve stood up to her. But I took it out on you. That’s not okay.”

_Filthy, dirty deviants. Nothing good. You disgust me. Loveless monster._

She blocks out her mother’s words. Toni is not _deviant_. She’s radiant, the most amazing person Cheryl’s ever known. Her mother is a liar.

Toni bites her lip, shaking her head. “You didn’t really have a choice—”

“Fuck that,” Cheryl interrupts. “There’s always a choice, and we both know it. I’ve always had a choice, I’ve just never had the guts to make the right one.” The tension fades from Toni’s shoulders. She looks up at Cheryl through her eyelashes.

“And now?”

What was the technique Betty taught her? _One breath, two breaths, three._ “I love you.” They’re the truest words she’s ever spoken. Because Toni is the reason she has hope. Because this incredible, lionhearted mess of a girl is by far the best thing in her life, and she’ll spend every day telling her so if that’s what it takes. Because Toni deserves to be loved, and maybe...

Maybe Cheryl deserves to be loved, too.

Toni’s face melts into an adorable, awed smile. “You love me?”

She mirrors the expression. Her voice bleeds with affection when she says, “With everything I am, Toni. I can’t live without you.”

“Kiss me?” Like she even has to ask. It takes a bit of adjusting, and it’s a little awkward with how wide they’re smiling, but this kiss is between her and Toni, so it couldn’t be more perfect.

And there’s so much they need to talk about, and there’s so much left to deal with, and her mother is still going to be the devil incarnate after they part, but right now, Cheryl just doesn’t _care._

"I love you, too, you know," Toni whispers in between kisses. "So, so much." 

Cheryl smiles, dragging Toni back towards her. 

The universe can do its worst. She has Toni, after all. That’s more than enough.


End file.
